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Dear Eric: For more than a decade I have worked in the administrative offices of a busy law firm. I am at least 20 years older than my three coworkers. During my tenure, my colleagues have all married and started families. Owing to the rigors and responsibilities of parenthood and life in general, one or more of my associates is routinely absent, and increasingly all three simultaneously.
At a recent performance review, I referenced the stress of handling the office alone and my inability, as a result, to meet the core responsibilities of the department. This was a statement of fact intended to underscore the need for additional personnel. Instead, the firm's executive director reported to each of my colleagues that I had complained about their chronic absenteeism. Our formerly close-knit working relationship has chilled.
Our HR department defines annual reviews as confidential spaces where free expression is encouraged. My supervisor, however, breached that trust. As my department is no longer the collegial atmosphere it once was, I am considering resigning and sharing the reasons with our managing board. — Legal Limbo
Dear Limbo: You should definitely go, if you have another job lined up. Resigning sends a message, but that message shouldn't come at the cost of your financial stability.
But your instincts about this job are right. This isn't a place that prioritizes supporting you or your coworkers.
Before you resign, try to mend fences with your coworkers. You may not get back to that closeknit relationship you had, but there's no reason that you should remain the villain here.
Dear Eric: My ex-husband was emotionally abusive to my oldest child (they/them pronouns). I was a victim of his abuse the entire marriage. I eventually divorced this man before my child graduated from high school.
After years of therapy, I have come to understand my behavior and have sincerely apologized to my oldest for not getting them out of that situation earlier.
Last Christmas, they told me they do not understand why no one defended them when their father was mean to them. They said I was a terrible mother. We talked about moving forward with their counselor to work through these issues together. They told me it was also my responsibility to move us forward.
I texted numerous times about improving our relationship. They responded that they were working with their therapist to get to a place where they were comfortable doing this.
No further mention of any attempts to move forward since then. I am increasingly feeling no desire to interact with them in the superficial manner that I did before. I just don't want to push myself into the life of someone who resents me as their mother for the many ways I failed them. — Resented Mother
Dear Mother: When your oldest says it's on you to move your relationship forward and then doesn't respond, it strikes me as a poorly constructed test of your commitment. This is a sign of someone who is not as ready to move forward as they say they are. And that's probably painful for them, too.
Try to find a communication boundary that feels OK to you, without making you feel like you're constantly reaching out with no reply.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com.
Happy birthday for Monday, Oct. 21, 2024: You are enthusiastic, energetic and ready to embrace life. You're observant and intuitive about others, and quick to grasp what they're dealing with. This is a wonderful, fun-loving year for you. Let your guard down and loosen up a bit. old friends might reappear to rekindle relationships.
The stars show the kind of day you'll have: 5-dynamic; 4-Positive; 3-average; 2-so-so; 1-difficult
ARIES (March 21-April 19) ★★★ This is an upbeat day, which is why you'll enjoy the company of siblings, relatives and neighbors. Meanwhile, financial planning and talk about budgets and how to deal with shared property could yield practical results. Tonight: cocoon.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)★★★ You might pick up the tab for someone today because you feel generous. (What goes around, comes around.) you also might have excellent moneymaking ideas. Be open to serious, practical discussions with a close friend or partner. You can clarify issues and get things done. Tonight: discussions.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20) ★★★★ This morning the moon is in your sign lined up with lucky Jupiter, which makes you feel sympathetic, warm and generous. You might be concerned for someone's welfare. Meanwhile, work-related matters will be well thought out and done carefully. Tonight: check your belongings.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)★★★★ With fiery mars in your sign, you have energy and drive! Plus, today you have a warm feeling in your tummy. This is an excellent time to make travel plans, to teach children or to perfect a particular skill in the arts or sports because you're motivated! Tonight: you win!
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)★★★ Two strong influences exist today: The first makes you friendly and eager to interact with others. For example, you might be interested in charitable organizations that can help those who are less fortunate. Meanwhile, practical discussions and home repairs are likely. Tonight: solitude.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) ★★★★ People notice you today, and they admire your success and positive energy. (This is a good thing! you can work with this.) however, it's also an excellent day for you to do mental work that requires attention to detail because you're persevering and diligent. (impressive.) Tonight: Friendships.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) ★★★ your urge to travel somewhere is so strong today, many of you will book reservations or explore how to get outta dodge. nevertheless, your concerns about earnings, cash flow and finances will be serious and prudent, which might keep you in check or dampen your grandiose plans. Tonight: you're noticed.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)★★★★ Today you're ready to do some serious thinking about practical matters. If working, you will persevere at your task until it's done. In fact, it will please you to get better organized. Basically, you're in a problem-solving frame of mind. Fortunately, someone will be generous to you today. Tonight: explore!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) ★★★★ This is a great day to do research or work by yourself. Your critical faculty is sharp and you're persevering. You'll be like a dog with a bone. Meanwhile, discussions with a friend or partner will be upbeat and slightly grandiose. Tonight: check your finances.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) ★★ Work-related travel will be exciting today, or perhaps you're making travel plans. Meanwhile, discussions with a friend or a member of a group could be helpful in practical terms. Listen to what someone has to say. Tonight: cooperate.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) ★★★★ This is a great time to talk to bosses, parents and authority figures. They'll be impressed with your practical, solid ideas. Ironically, it's also a great day to schmooze and party. It's rare, but you can have your cake and eat it too! Tonight: Get organized.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) ★★★★ Use some of today's energy to study or learn something new. You will find this easy to do today. You might learn something scholarly, or it could relate to politics, religion or racial and social issues. Meanwhile, entertaining and gatherings at home will please you. Tonight: socialize.
— King Features Syndicate
Today's highlight
On oct. 21, 2014, Paralympic runner Oscar Pistorius was convicted of culpable homicide for shooting and killing his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp. The conviction was later upgraded to murder; Pistorius was released on parole in January 2024.
Also on this date
In 1797, the U.S. Navy frigate constitution, also known as "old ironsides," was christened in Boston's harbor.
In 1805, a British fleet commanded by Adm. Horatio nelson defeated a French-Spanish fleet in the battle of Trafalgar; nelson, however, was killed.
In 1940, Ernest Hemingway's novel "For Whom the bell Tolls" was first published.
In 1944, U.S. troops captured the German city of Aachen — the first German city to fall to American forces in World War II.
In 1959, the Frank Lloyd Wright-designed Guggenheim museum opened in New York.
In 1966, 144 people, 116 of them children, were killed when a coal waste landslide engulfed a school and some 20 houses in Aberfan, Wales.
In 2013, a seventh grader at sparks middle school in sparks, Nevada, shot and killed a teacher and wounded two classmates before taking his own life.
In 2021, actor Alec Baldwin was pointing a gun on a movie set in new Mexico when it went off and killed cinematographer Halyna Hutchins and wounded director Joel Souza. a charge of involuntary manslaughter against Baldwin was dismissed in July 2024.
As I look back at this gardening year, one of the plants I enjoyed the most was the Upscale Red Velvet monarda or beebalm. I am in my third year growing the fairly new variety, and it is just getting better and better. Like countless others before me have said, the third year is like magic.
It was like magic with the bees and butterflies, too. Strangely I didn't have much activity the first couple of years, but they found it in 2024. Upscale Red Velvet is one of three colors in the Upscale series, along with Pink Chenille and Lavender Taffeta. The Red Velvet is a little taller, reaching about 32 inches, while the Pink Chenille and Lavender Taffeta top out around 26 inches. Red Velvet also has a wider spread.
These are hybrids, but the Monarda didyma, commonly called scarlet beebalm, is native to 26 states and Canada. It is a mystery to me that I have not run into a native patch of these. I will look forward to that day; to me these blooms look more like nature's fireworks than almost any other.
I am growing mine in informal drifts with agastache varieties like Meant to Bee Queen Nectarine and Royal Raspberry and a variety called Blue Boa. It is kind of a prairie look. In another area, I swear I do not remember planting it together.
This area has Rockin Playin' the Blues salvia, Pyromania Backdraft red hot poker and the real surprise, an Easter lily. I simply don't remember having an Easter lily in my possession. When they all hit together, I was strutting around as if I were a garden guru.
This brings up the topic of timing. So far I am getting about eight weeks of bloom ranging from late April to June. Sometimes it shifts a little later. Partnering perennials to sync in bloom is the work of Mother Nature. It is a wonderful thing when it happens.
Upscale Red Velvet is found in moist, slightly acidic environments from sun to part shade. That partnered with a hardiness zone from 4a to 8b means a lot of gardeners can find success with it. I mentioned bees and butterflies, particularly Eastern tiger swallowtails, but of course you will attract hummingbirds, too.
The first thing everyone asks me is if it gets powdery mildew. So far I have not seen powdery mildew on the Upscale or Leading Lady series. It is always a good recommendation to space them to maximize air circulation.
Perennials don't find themselves in university trials to the extent annuals do, but Upscale Red Velvet did garner a Top Performer Award at Michigan State. Several industry professionals do mention the fragrance or mintlike properties of the foliage as being great for herbal teas.
Upscale Red Velvet is one of the flowers that make me excited about the next year. Locate your source or ask your garden center to get some next spring, and you too will find yourself counting the days.
Follow Norman Winter on Facebook @normanWinterTheGardenGuy.
Dear Heloise: I wanted to write in with my response to Frank A., who wondered about men not pushing shopping carts for women:
My husband loves to go grocery shopping with me. I, on the other hand, do all that I can to shop without him. He means well, but stops to read every label. He carefully looks over all (and I do mean all) of the cookies, ice cream, pickles, bread and olives. I cringe when we approach the spices. He insists that we need spices neither of us use when cooking.
When he was with me on my last shopping trip, we went home with three kinds of bread, four different ice cream cartons, three bags of cookies, more jars of pickles than I care to think about, and olives, olives and more olives! I think I also have a lifetime supply of canned tomato paste.
Nevermind the wasted expense, I can live with it, but where do I store all of the things from our shopping spree? Since we are retired, need to watch our weight, limit our salt intake and guard against eating things that irritate our acid reflux, I had to give away some of my husband's choices. The church's pantry is now stocked with some doozies! They'll be getting several jars of olives and cans of tomato paste as well this month.
Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and have since the day we were married 37 years ago. I wouldn't trade him for the world, but I'd really rather shop alone, haul all my groceries to the car, then put them away in the pantry instead of in boxes under the bed or in the linen closet. — Lori R., Grosse Pointe Shores, Michigan
Lori, trust me, you're not alone there! — Heloise
Raspberry topping
Dear Heloise: I noticed several people have told you they love coffee ice cream. Well, try coffee ice cream with a raspberry topping! It's delicious. — Wade H., Glendale, Arizona
Broken zipper tab
Dear Heloise: The pull tab on the zipper of my favorite jacket fell off. I used a safety pin at first, but as I thought about it, I remembered that I had a pendant I used to wear once in a while. I took it off the chain and put it on the zipper, which had a small loop at the top. I now use this piece of jewelry as a pull tab, and it looks nice. — Jackie K., in Wisconsin
Flower bulbs
Dear Heloise: For those who live in climates that stay warm well into November or December, buy your flower bulbs now and keep them in the refrigerator until springtime planting. Bulbs need this dormant time to rest. — Milton D., Huntington Park, California
Cursive writing dilemma
Dear Heloise: My 21-year-old grandson told me that he wasn't taught cursive writing, so he struggles to read my birthday cards to him. I was shocked to find this out. It occurred to me that he could never be able to get a job at the post office, since so many people like me send letters and write in cursive.
— M.N., via email
Burning leaves
Dear Readers: Before you burn leaves or dead branches, be sure to check with your city's parks and recreation department or your city hall to see what the regulations are for burning anything in your yard. — Heloise
Send a money-saving or timesaving hint to heloise@heloise.com.